You will never hear me say:

1. I love running on the treadmill. The dripping sweat is so attractive!
2. I wish I was pregnant again. We need lots more ‘mini-me’ kids running around!
3. I don’t think my children play enough dress-up.
4. I wish my daughters would talk more. and scream more. and have more ferocious arguements. Especially in the SUV.
5. My house is much too clean. It looks like a model home, like nobody lives here.
6. I have a great idea: Let’s get three dogs, and a parrot! Hey, what about a pig?
7. I love spending all afternoon making nutritous food for my children, even if they gag on it.
8. I love getting my period. The migraines and the cramps make it ALL worth it.
9. I love cleaning up after my children. It doesn’t bother me AT ALL when they splash food, paint or poop on every surface in the house – except the ceiling.
10. I wish I could find a pair of high-waisted, acid-washed jeans that have double pleats.
11. I am so overconfident. Please, gripe at me some more about what a rotten job I do as a SAHM. My self-esteem is way too high!
12. I have absolutely no laundry to do. Could you kids go play in the mud?
13. There is nothing I love more than grocery shopping with my daughters, except for when my two year old screams the entire time, drawing glares from total strangers. I think I might love that more.
14. I have way too many white t-shirts.
15. I have another great idea! Let’s go buy you a big screen TV. I’m sure you’ll treat it like you paid for it yourself.
16. Could you girls please scream LOUDER? I think the dead are still sleeping!

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